The Journey To Falling In Love With Myself

Writing this story is hard. A lot has happened since I was last here. As always, I reread the previous story upon writing the current one and the instant realization is how different life is and how I much I’ve grown since the last story.

Happy, Proud, Sad, Bittersweet and Thankful.

That’s how I have been feeling these last few days. I recently returned to my mat and man how I’ve missed it. I definitely have lost some of my edge, but I know I’ll get it back. It’s been since July/August that I haven’t practiced. It was something about the act of going to yoga that filled my heart with so much love and joy. Going to yoga in the middle of a work day and me feeling so happy and returning on a Saturday overfilled my cup of joy. As if I had a good work week, I was recognized for my hard work, I exercised and had been making healthy habits and good choices. Slowly, I am becoming who I’ve always wanted to be: on top of it, responsible, giving back, healthy and what came of it was genuine happiness & thankfulness. For all the hard times. For the year that challenged me in ways I could have never imagined, for all the deep pain, confusion, doubt and unknown. What an incredibly difficult year, but I survived. And nonetheless, I grew. I am finding myself slowly everyday becoming a better person, the person I always one day hoped to become. I am not perfect, nor nowhere near who I want to be, but I am so proud of my process. Knowing of everything that I have overcome throughout the years and knowing how strong and resilient I am. What a long way I have come. In these profound moments I remind myself that one day I will need to remember these traits and to the levels they’ve grown into. That one day again I will need them, and to not forget the power I have to get through anything that comes my way. That all the good AND bad will one day pass. Be humble, and enjoy each moment before it passes.

The Catch Up —

Since the last story things took a turn. 180. Soon after that was written, I got COVID and gave it to my entire family. This happened right before we were set to go to Mexico for a wedding, which we ended up not attending. But everything happens for a reason. It’s with a heavy heart I share that welita Petra passed away. As soon as the clocks hit 12am on Christmas Day, our sweet, wise and loving gramma left us. We saw this coming the day before, but thought we had some more time left. I remembered the day when my grandma left for Virginia, she was well on her way to the airport and I forgot to hug her and say good-bye, man do I really try not to feel guilty. I remember of all the times I was so lucky to have her even with alzheimers. That I got to spend more time in her presence than any other grandkid and that is a blessing in itself. Maybe her passing didn’t hurt as much because I already processed it before or maybe it’s because I truly loved her and told her how much I loved her. The past months have taught me grief is just love with nowhere to go, and I think it’s so true. Which made me realize is that why I missed Yoya so much. So much I didn’t get to truly thank her for, I felt like there was so much that was unsaid that I wished I had the strength to be vulnerable with her. But these experiences are what they have taught us. That you have to cherish every moment you get with someone and be honest about how you feel. Be honest and tell people what you love about them, how they make you happy and bring joy into your life. People will never forget how those moments make them feel and that’s another thing I’ve come to learn.

So I’m officially in Denver. Finally, I live here. It didn’t come without it’s obstacles, but everything that’s happened in this last year was meant to. It was to make me a better person, it was to teach me all the lessons I needed to learn to be who God wants me to be. I rose to the occasion I felt every emotion like I’ve never felt it before, improved my thinking, gained compassion, learning to listen and learning forgiveness. It all happened for a reason, it was all so painful, but I’m so grateful. I made an effort to see the last bit of family before the big move. From Lisa, Joel, Maty, Nokki, Tim, Tio Miguel, Tia Estela, Tony, Daniel, Cynthia, Elisa, Sarai, Tia Pera and Mi Tio Raul, Gramma and mi Tio. Spending time with each of these people and realizing how much closer I’ve gotten to them. Looking back it’s like God wanted to get close to them before i left them. As if he was helping me build a strong foundation in my relationship with each of them. I’m thankful. I saw them all within 1.5 weeks of my move. I saw mi Tio Raul within a day before he passed. 2 weeks after Welita. 2 days before I was set to journey to Colorado. Mi Tio Raul’s passing helped me understand and how everything came full circle from each passing Yoya, Chela, Gramma and him. I hadn’t seen them all since Yoya’s funeral. Everyone was fine, but he declined quickly. More than we all expected. I felt guilty I didn’t see him before, but I was so depressed from Yoya. When I saw him I couldn’t believe how much he had deteriorated, but Tia Pera brought me in to see him and my God, his face lit up with happiness. Even Marla said it. I think I was one of the last if not the last person to make him smile before he died. I felt so grateful and special. I felt like that was a Gift and sign by God. How lucky was I? To have that effect on someone. That something as simple as smile ignited my heart and soul.

I ended up driving back for the funeral. Family was shocked I came back, but I knew I would regret it. Mi Tio Miguel told me not to come back. Out of love, like he was telling me to just leave their deaths behind and to live my life. In a way it brought me peace and weight off my shoulders, as if I had his blessing. I stayed a couple days before making my permanent way to Denver. Antsy and wishing I was there but thankful I had a few days to slow down before I went back. I had lots of time to reflect but most realizations came once I was in Denver.

Being back felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Like there was no one else I was anticipating to leave this Earth. Like I could finally catch a breath of fresh air and just live and not worry and create my own happiness on my own terms. It felt like I was in control. There were also moments of sadness, I missed them and I was guilty of the happiness I felt leaving my family behind. I felt guilty for being happy. But I knew it was okay to miss them and that I always would. Some days will be harder than others, but they’ll always stay with us.

In the time I’ve had so much fun with my friends, proud to be giving back at WIT, slowly getting back to my healthy habits and getting closer to God. Thankful for my VOUS crew for the support those women provide and first and foremost the work God has been doing in me. I look forward to Sunday sermons. I did 21 days of prayer and fasting and have continued and strengthened my relationship with God and pray it continues to evolve and get stronger. I’m learning to limit my social media time and do more things that are good for my body (aka yoga). I’m trying to continue to motivation at work. It’s hard, but I know I need to push through and have already gone through the worst of it. I got a second job as I prayed to God for more money and I’m really hoping to get a promotion, if it’s God’s will. I went home recently to complete out a procedure and taxes. I did a few sessions with my old personal trainer. It felt so good to workout and I missed it. I realized I’m willing to spend money on these things and limit going out and drinking — everything within reason. I saw my family and it was so nice. A dinner date with Nokki, Lisa, Tia Pera and Tio Miguel. My heart broke a little for Tia Pera, but I was just grateful she at least came out and we could reflect on good times. It seemed like Mi Tio still likes talking about Yoya which made me think I can be vulnerable with him at some point. I also started to text him just to check up on him. Then Mi Tia Estela and Tony served me dinner at their house and it was so nice to catch up with mi tia. I love her and she’s such a guiding light in my life always wanting the best for me and helping me get better. She’s connecting me with mentors and giving me helpful career advice. I had Mi Tio Jaime, Lisa, Nancy & Mi Tio Miguel over the next day and oh my. It felt like old times when our families would gather in Bensenville. It was bittersweet and crazy how things change from last year. Like everyone is willing to put differences aside and just be peaceful and be together because we all know now more than ever that these times are precious and never enough of them. I realized how close I was to my family, but more than that, how close I have gotten with them. That I have made an effort to build those relationships and how I always will.

Coming back reminded me of how much I missed everyone, but of how happy everyone was for me. My last day home I realized how unhappy I was at home and how I (guiltily) I understood how my brother felt all those years. Of how I hold lots of resentment toward my mom and have yet to unpack it to her so I won’t hurt her. But I’ve always noticed how God talks about the truth. How Patricia said I should tell her for me not for her. We Facetimed the other day and she explained to me why my brother always unpacks his trauma on her and she was confused how he said she was now the problem. I knew I had to to say it but I first asked for her permission. I unpacked almost everything that was weighing on me, I was truthfully honest in ways I hadn’t been before. I don’t know if she’ll take anything away from it, but it’s off my shoulders now. All I can do is plant a seed (which is what this year is all about). I never imagined myself doing that in the last few months. But since my grandma passed away that was one thing that I felt I needed to confront. I’m proud of saying what I said regardless of if it will have an effect on her.

All these experiences and I’m sure a few more I might have missed have all recently taught me of what I was deep down really missing. Love. But not just love, Self-Love. With each important person passing I asked myself, “What is God trying to teach me from this? What am I supposed to learn/take away?” I tried to find answers and maybe there’s definitely more than one. But like the light that he is Mi Tio and the feeling of happiness from yoga brought it all full circle. Maybe my biggest struggle/limit/setback was the lack of love I had for myself. That’s been the root that’s been deprived of food and water for so extremely long. I didn’t love myself. I didn’t love parts of myself. I was always so hard on myself. Lacked compassion, hated some of my habits and I wasn’t the person I wanted to be, but also didn’t acknowledge all the great gifts I have inside of me. I was putting myself down for so long, I never lifted myself up or let anyone else lift me up. All along I have been such a light in people’s lives that I never gave myself any credit for it. I needed to love me before anyone else. And I think I’m on the path, and I have to thank all those who left me these last 7 months. It’s unfortunate it took this happening but I’m thankful. I think the biggest thing I’ve taken away is how much they all loved me. Yoya advocated to take me on all the trips, and she doesn’t do that for just anyone, why me? I wish I could ask her what she saw in me and why me instead of anyone else. But she loved me, she truly did. From sharing shoes, clothes, jewelry, skincare and all our travels in between. She loved me. I didn’t know Chela for very long at ALL. But man did we bond. It was as if we were all family and got a long so well. This one I felt so confused and couldn’t come to closure with, but again it clicked. What was I supposed to learn from Chela in the very short period that I knew her? How much she instantly loved me and told me how much she loved me and wanted her girls to be like me. She admired me. Why? I was strong and secure in myself and what I brought to the table and who I wanted to be in life. A role model. My grandma, lol that woman LOVED me, I was one of her favorites. No doubt. Mi Tio Raul and Tia Pera always told me how much they loved me and how much fun they always had with me and how much I made them laugh. They adopted me as their niece and Mi Tio’s face when he saw me for the last time was everything. I couldn’t be mad at his passing because I felt like he gave me some a beautiful gift that quite literally changed my life. Self-love is at the center of my story. Owning who I am and my boldness and the things that make me unique. I am stepping into my true self and I’m eliminating any limits or walls I have set up in the past. If I shine then I will shine humbly and in true authenticity without pride. I am falling in love with myself and remembering not to let myself dim my own light.

It’s my time.

:)