Letting Some Light In✨
I’ve been receiving signs to write this story for the past 2–3 weeks but didn’t feel ready/in the mood until now. Life at the moment is simply moseying along. Spending a little too much money on material items, having good/bad days living plant-based (oh yeah that’s new!), sleeping patterns are out of wack (fr fr), trying to cut down on weed is tough (I just broke my cart so maybe it’ll help), motivation at work is fucking low. I guess it’s been a little more challenging than usual now that I’m writing about it, but I’m trying to stay positive and not focus on it, or at least tell myself, I’m not perfect and the path that I’m meant to go down won’t always be easy, but it will be worth it. Also, been having lots of fantasy day dreams that I don’t think I should be having. I feel like I’m really over my 2020 regret but I can’t help but still crave some form of connection. It’s 2021 and we’re still mildly in a pandemic. I received my first vaccine dose about 3–4 weeks ago, so progress IS occurring. Getting my vaccine felt like I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel this past year has taken all of us through. 2020 was rough but a beautiful blessing and realization that we all need to slow down. It’s exciting to think of things going back to normal soon but also a little sad that ‘doing nothing’ won’t come as easy anymore. But, as I think this it also makes me question, why? Why does things going back to normal mean we can’t rest? Maybe this was the purpose of the pandemic, to get us to slow down, be present, do less and appreciate MORE. So while life may be hitting us with lots of opportunities to do more, work more, live more we can still say no and continue to let our bodies and minds rest. Maybe, that was the point of it all. To bring in stillness into our lives and incorporate it into our daily lives. But, will we? I can only hope I take time for myself and make it a weekly habit, because while I wish I was, I am not Wonder Woman.
Back to my day dream fantasies, I miss my friend, I truly do from time to time, I don’t think I will ever stop (don’t mean to make this sound as intense as it sounds lol). But, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I do want to form a connection with someone ( in general), and experience things I haven’t experienced before whether it hurts me or brings me happiness. I want something deep, intense and a love like I’ve never known before. But, (lots of buts in this story lol), I’ve been thinking a lot logically of how that may not happen when I think it will aka this year. I’m barely in the same state for 2 months at a time lol, when do I expect to meet someone and build a connection with them for that short of time? Possible, but I personally don’t think it may be that simple for me. And I think that’s fine. Before that probably would’ve made me sad, but now I’m okay with it. I’m okay with being alone and embracing and strengthening the relationships I have with my friends and family. I’m just here to enjoy the time we have together, honestly. And looking back everything happens for a reason and I’m becoming more and more grateful for how it’s all played out this past year, despite the highs and low lows. I feel like last year I was so back and forth and couldn’t make up my mind. I was hot, then I was cold, I had no fucking idea what I wanted and sometimes I did yet I continued to limit myself and block my own way. I looked at my butterfly playlist and it was SO hot and cold. You have Jhene Aiko’s B.S. then you have, REO’s Can’t Fight This Feeling, and Greta Van Fleet’s, You’re the One, and omg I just can’t help but laugh lol. Like girl, omg. You made your life so unnecessarily complicated lmao, I’m literally laughing as I type this. But I don’t regret it, now. I mean, no I don’t regret it fr now I don’t. At the end of 2019/beginning 2020 I prayed that God would open my heart and let love in. It’s true I did let love in. Maybe not completely but it opened my eyes to what I want today. And I don’t know if I want it so much with that person like I once did before. Certain things people have been saying to me in conversation have really stuck out to me and things I’ve simply noticed day to day from the universe. Like people for real come into your life for just a season and for a reason and that doesn’t always mean forever. I’ve been thinking back a lot more to the phrase, “The Best is Yet to Come”. I’ve been thinking a lot about how I told Jess that and how our idea/experience with love is not stagnant and what we think we want now is only bc we’ve only experienced maybe half of it. We think we want something, but we don’t know how much better it can be/it gets, because we haven’t experienced that yet. I want to be in a relationship where we’re both healthily* consumed by one another and ready for one another. I think having deep conversations with someone and opening up and personal issues, etc. is just scratching the surface. I want someone to want me and I want them in return. I want to be on the same level with someone and it’s simply not my turn yet. I think back to that night at Zanz where I was asked why I’m single and I came up with some stupid answer I wanted to believe, but now I have the right answer, I haven’t found someone who’s ready to be with me. At first I said handle but that doesn’t give people the correct connotation. I don’t need someone to handle me, I just need someone that’s mature, doesn’t do pettiness, and at the end of the day puts in work. I know relationships aren’t easy, but I don’t believe in making them more complicated than they are. I think if you find the right person love can be easy and that’s what I want. I’m not waiting for someone to marry, etc. I just know what I deserve and I know the type of love I would give back and I don’t think there are many people worthy of that. I know the person I am and I would give more of myself than I need but I think that’s what makes me, me. I don’t want to be with someone who would half ass it and have me pouring all of myself without getting anything in return. I think this past year showed me that too. That at the end of the day I will always bend myself backwards for people I really care about, that’s just me. Some people are worth it, and sometimes other people won’t willingly give it back in return and that’s okay they’re just not ready for you. My brother said that there’s guys that are simply not ready for a “bad bitch” and I never really thought about how incredibly true that was until then. Some people just aren’t ready for me. And that’s okay, but I need to remind myself of it more often. I am a lot of woman. Lol. I am. And I don’t fuck around, I give it to you how it is. I am lighthearted but I am also so much more deep than what’s on the surface. A lot of people aren’t ready for me. And that’s okay, it’s not my turn yet!* But maybe it’s that whoever I’m supposed to meet next isn’t ready for me and God’s still working on my miracle. I’m really learning to be okay with this idea and that for now it’s all about just me. I don’t have to worry about anyone else besides myself, and that’s a blessing in itself. I can do what I want whenever I want. I’m in charge of my own happiness I dictate it, I create it and I can also dismantle it. I can do whaaaaatever I want to do.
I’ve been implementing very healthy habits since I destroyed my body in denver and I want to keep it going for as long as I can, but April is gonna be BUSY! My birthday (which I wasn’t planning on celebrating but I impulsively bought shoes lol so tbd), ISU, Denver, Cancun and lots of stuff to do at work and prepare for the next quarter. March was definitely the calm before the storm and it’s gonna be SO much fun but so much energy and work to do. I need to get my routine in CHECK!!! Rest during the week at all costs!! It’ll be hard but it’ll be worth it. I’m excited for what’s to come, who I’m growing into, and how much better I’ll be in the next month. I’m learning to practice patience especially. Within myself, my plants, my body, my mind, my wants, my thoughts, my desires. It’s all a waiting game. But most of all I think I’m learning to love me. And how 2016 vibes are slowly making their way back, but I’m hoping I continue the work needed to make them stay, for good! It’s like last season where I took 2 steps forward 5 steps back and it all lead me a step forward than last time, exactly how it was meant to.
Here’s to letting the light in, whether it be in the familiar or unknown.