I Want Love
I usually start by replaying the last story or what’s been going on since my last story. Instead, I’m going to share exactly what’s on my mind/been on my mind. I struggle typing this out because I’m scared. Scared to be vulnerable, scared to embrace my femininity, scared to say how I truly feel. To love and be loved in return. To want to find someone to spend time with, love and experience an entire, true, emotional connection. I want love. Something real, something true and something gentle. It’s true, when you get older you become a lot more selective in what you want and whom you want. Maybe I have high standards, but that’s what I deserve.
Whenever it happens, I pray it’s God’s will and divine timing. Jess left on her 2 month long road trip. I started using dating apps again, but I find myself not trying very hard. At first I thought I had feelings for someone from a distance & maybe I do, but reflecting back, I think it’s different and something more. I thought I was emotionally unavailable, this pattern was similar to what I did in the past. Romanticizing a potential relationship. I used to do this for years and it’s what kept me single at bay. In one of my early stories, I wrote about this karmic cycle. I found myself doing it again. I realized I do this every time I want a relationship or connection. In reality wanting love scares me, but I still yearn for it. I constantly self sabotage myself in this sphere of my life. I’m trying to go on dates but not trying like I did in the past and I think it’s my way of partially putting effort, but not being serious. When I first moved here, I think it was so easy to go on all those dates because I wasn’t being serious, I wasn’t really putting myself out there to be liked in return, but to just gain experience. It’s different this time. It’s real. This time I have to put effort in, and really be myself and try to make something work. That’s the scary part, I have to care.
All in all, I want love. I want it. I feel more ready than ever before. I will pray for it, if it’s God’s will. I welcome it with open arms. Wherever it may lead, I hope it makes me a better person and most of all brings me happiness and a new experience I’ve never felt before.
The last few seasons have been preparing me for this, I feel it. I think back to other instances, specifically the last one and how much I’ve learned and growed since then. What’s worth it and what’s not, what to do differently and what I want is a lot different. I hope for peace, tranquility, love and happiness. Here’s to knowing I will run into the right person at the right time, all falling into place when it’s supposed to.